Richard The Joker, By Mr. Jacobson
“The total price for your guitar strings is 14 Gold Rubicles.”
As the customer counts his money, Richard touches the customer’s guitar
strings with his wand and the strings become suspended in midair. Then
SKay8, gets on his Air glider, and grabs the strings.
“Hey Mister. I’m going to take off with your merchandise, Sir. You won’t
be able to catch me because my Air glider is the fastest thing in this town.”
“What? You’re kidding,” says the confused customer.
Then, Richard chimes in, “How about I wrestle your Dad so you can get
your strings back?” says Richard.
“What? I don’t have time for foolishness. I gotta pick up supper, my son,
and have it all on the table before my wife gets home; she’ll flip out and I’m
not in the mood for her either,” said the short-tempered customer.
“How about I wrestle your wife and your dad?” Richard and SKay8 laughed obnoxiously; SKay8 revved up his Air glider Supreme, the top of the line model.
The customer seemed to be getting unnerved. His face started to change
colors, and his hands were tapping on the counter like a drummer. It was
an awkward conversational exchange. Then, he jiggled his keys and zipped up his coat, and just stood there sheepishly.
“All right, you are free to go,” said Richard.
He took his wand and pointed it at the dangling guitar strings, which fell on the counter. SKay8 returned to the ground as the Air glider was still idling.
“You’re lucky, Mister. Yesterday, SKay8 took off with someone’s drumsticks and the customer was begging me for his stuff back. You should be grateful that I let you off the hook this time.”
“One of these days, someone’s gonna get even with you for being a joker.
People talk in this town,” said the annoyed customer.
“Yeah, Yeah. My music store is the best thing going in this town. All of you are just jealous. Maybe, you are just too chicken to wrestle me. In either case, you come on back anyway. So, maybe I’m not such a bad thing in this town after all.”
The customer seemed speechless. He started scratching his head and jiggling his keys, again. Deep down, however, he knew that Richard’s store was a gold-mine in the town of Wishing Well.
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“You have yourself a great evening; I’m going home because it’s
closing time. You take care, Mister…”
Richard was fixing the display cabinet while SKay8 started to vacuum. Richard pointed his wand at the Golden Rubicles in the register and
the money started counting itself. Then, a pen started to add the profits
and losses on the bookkeeping ledger at the speed of light.
“I’m outta here to meet up with my girlfriend at the Rainbow Room. She
wants to dance and I could be adding more firepower to my Air glider,”
said SKay8.
“I hear you. I’m going next door to Joe’s to get some comic books before I plan my next trip to Rio. Bungee jumping from 3,500 feet awaits. Joe closes at 9:30. I gotta hurry,” said Richard.
“I’m done. Have a wild and crazy night with your comic books and your mom,” said SKay8.
Richard was 45, single, and still lived with his mother.
SKay8 revved up his Air glider and vanished in microseconds. Richard blew out the candles which illuminated the shoppe. He set the alarm and counted the Gold Rubicles in his cloak. Then, he walked down the strip to Joe’s Sweets & Books, which was also the talk of the town. Richard had a monopoly on the musical market, whereas Joe owned all of the books and Candy. Separate rooms inside of Joe’s store contained thousands of pounds of candy: Chocolate Jelly Rings, M&M’s, Gummy Bears, Salt Water Taffy, or anything a person could ever want. On the far end of the store, magazines and comic books were crammed into aisles; shelves were 27 and 1/2 feet high. Joe, the owner, always stayed in front near the register and the sinful sugary sweets.
“Hey, Joe.”
“Good evening, Richard.”
“Are you coming in to get some comic books before the big trip to Rio?”
“How did you know about that?”
“SKay8 told me. This is a small town…SKay8 also told me how you both were messing with that customer’s Guitar strings.”
“That guy can’t take a joke. He’ll be back in 2 days when his son breaks all of his brand new guitar strings.”
“We are the big Dragons in this town, but you can’t mess with certain people. We still need them to get along and take care of business.”
“Whatever! Let me get my comic books before you close,” said Richard.
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As Richard walked into the back of the store, he noticed a chilly breeze come in through the back. Most of the candles were either really dim or burned out all together. It was closing time for Joe, and Richard was the only one in the store; Joe seemed to have just vanished. Richard heard a noise from the back, but saw nothing. He carefully pulled out his wand, and then walked towards the back one step at a time.
“MEOW!”
Joe’s Russian Blue cat, Griswold, came out of nowhere.
“Griswold, you sneaky devil, you scared the hell out of me.”
“I thought that I was going to blast you, or wrestle you.”
Griswold rubbed against Richard’s leg, purred, and then walked away.
Richard pointed his wand about 17 feet in the air, and several
comic books drifted off the shelves and dangled in front of
Richard’s face. Richard was in 7th heaven. He loved comic
books even more than Bungee Jumping. Richard seemed to
get lost in these books. Joe was still closing in a few minutes…
*** *** ***
While Richard was looking at one of the comic books, he saw
a character that looked like Richard’s last customer who bought
the guitar strings for his son.
“You look even weaker in this comic book than you do in person. I bet
that you would be a worthy wrestling opponent,” said Richard.
All of a sudden, all of the candles in the store blew out, the room
started spinning, and then Richard was sucked into the comic book.
Richard tried to reach for his wand, but it was too late…
*** *** ***
“I can’t reach my wand. It’s too high over my head. My hands are
the size of ants and my wand is the size of a tree. What is going
on here?” Richard asked aloud.
“YOU ARE IN THE CASTLE OF ZOCOR,” said Lord Templeton.
“What am I doing in a castle?” asked Richard.
“I WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS YOU PUNY LITTLE INSECT,” said the
Lord, in an even louder voice.
“YOU HAVE BEEN SUMMONED HERE BECAUSE YOU THINK
YOU ARE MORE FIERCE THAN MY HUMBLE PEOPLE. YOU FEEL AS
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IF YOU CAN CONTROL THEM AND DO AS YOU WISH. SO, YOU WILL BE THE COMPETITION.”
“Competition for what?”asked Richard.
“SILENCE! YOU ASKED TOO MANY QUESTIONS AND YOU
WANT ANSWERS. PERHAPS, YOU SHOULD LEARN SOME
PATIENCE,” Said the Lord.
“I WILL GIVE YOU THE INFORMATION THAT YOU NEED TO
DEFEND YOURSELF. AS FOR NOW, I AM LORD TEMPLETON,
AND YOU ARE IN THE CASTLE OF ZOCOR, WHICH RESIDES
IN THE LAND OF JAVELON. YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO ROAM
THE TOWN FOR 3 MICRONS. AFTERWARDS, YOU WILL BE
AUTOMATICALLY TRANSPORTED TO THE ARENA. I SUGGEST
THAT YOU FIND WHAT YOU NEED.”
“OK??” Richard responded as if he understood, but he was still very confused.
A few microseconds later, he was inside of Farley’s Pub & Ale.
All of the people, mostly men, were dressed in dark brown cloaks,
pointed black shoes, and plaid scarves. Wands were hidden under
the cloaks and it was forbidden to take them out unless a person’s
life was in danger. Richard approached the bar, but actually had to climb on the barstools because they were very tall. One of the customers looked at him and laughed.
“Watch the puny roach climb the barstool,” said the customer (he
was called Salvatore).
He and his friend laughed and then started to shake the barstool. Richard
fell on the ground and reached for his wand, but it wasn’t there.
“What are you looking for? A water pistol? Are you going to splash me?”
“HA HA…” Salvatore and his friend Benny laughed loudly.
“Let’s hold up the barstool and see if the puny little roach can jump up and reach it,” said Benny.
Richard tried to jump several times, but the barstool was unreachable. Then, Salvatore picked up Richard off the ground and placed him on
the seat.
“We are just messing with you. What is your name little one?”
“I am Richard. I own a music store and not sure what I am doing here.”
“There’s no music store here, Bloke. You have to transport 3 towns over
to get any musical toys. It sounds like you better drink up so that you start
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making sense,” said Salvatore.
“Bartender, Can I get a Bartlette Butter Beer?” asked Richard.
“We don’t serve that here,” said the Bartender.
“Ok, let me get some kind of bubbly drink,” said Richard.
“One bubbly drink is coming up,” said the bartender.
As he put the mystery drink on the counter, Benny took out his wand
and pointed it towards the bubbly. The drink began to rise above the
counter and Richard could not reach it.
“Hey, what are you doing to my drink?” asked Richard.
“What drink?” said Salvatore.
“I get it. You guys are just messing with me.”
“We’re not messing with you. We are entertaining ourselves because
you are a weak specimen,” said Benny.
“I know how to wrestle really well, so you better watch it or else.”
Or else, what?” said Salvatore and Benny.
“What is a puny little helpless thing like you going to do?” asked Benny.
They both laughed and laughed. It seemed like the laughing went on
for centuries. Then, a familiar voice came out of the walls of the pub…
“RICHARD, HAVE YOU PREPARED YOURSELF FOR THE ARENA?”
“Lord Templeton, I haven’t done anything. I ordered a bubbly for myself and I can’t even reach it. You didn’t tell me what to prepare for.”
“IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE READY FOR THE ARENA,” said Lord Templeton.
A few milliseconds later, Richard was standing in the middle of some huge
stadium. Millions of people surrounded the arena and Richard was
standing in the middle of a wrestling rink. The crowd was screaming wildly. Then, some smoke appeared and 2 HUGE men started approaching the rink. Richard figured that he was part of some wrestling
competition, but he wasn’t sure how to handle it.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE ARE ABOUT TO BEGIN THE EVENT.
TONIGHT’S EVENT IS A RARE ONE. IT WILL TELEVISED THROUGHOUT
THE GALAXY. TONIGHT, MEN GET TO PROVE THAT THEY ARE REAL MEN AND NOT WEAK SPECIMENS…”
The crowd just roared and the stadium vibrated as if it was the loudest jackhammer in the world.
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“IN ONE CORNER, THERE IS RICHARD THE INSECT. IN THE OTHER
CORNER IS…”
Richard had no idea what he was up against. He actually began praying for someone either equal to or smaller than he was.
“SALVATORE THE SLAYER.”
The screaming in the arena could have busted a million ear drums.
“DING!”
Salvatore walked right up to Richard, picked him up with his right hand
and threw Richard into the side post. Richard’s head was spinning from
all of the excitement and the blood.
“That wasn’t fair. I don’t even know the rules,” cried Richard.
“ARE YOU A MAN OR AN INSECT? ARE YOU GOING TO CRY TO
YOUR MOMMA. SHE CAN’T SAVE YOU,” said Salvatore.
“YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE NASTY ABOUT IT!” screamed Richard.
“WELL, SHOW ME WHAT YOU’VE GOT,” said Salvatore.
Richard climbed up on the rink ropes and dove straight for Salvatore’s
chest. Salvatore moved a little bit and was caught slightly off guard, but
he was not damaged. Then, he grabbed Richard with one hand and dangled him in the air.
“YOU ARE SO PUNY. HOW ABOUT I WRESTLE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?” asked Salvatore.
”I’LL EVEN TIE MY HANDS BEHIND MY BACK,” he continued.
Richard was so humiliated by his inability to fight back. For the first
time in his life, he felt helpless. He was not in control and he could
do anything to defend himself. Salvatore was amusing himself and putting
Richard in positions where he could not move. After 45 parsecs of this
game, Richard finally quit. He was pinned to the ground.
“YOU ARE SUCH A WEAK SPECIMEN. YOU ARE LUCKY THAT PEOPLE
PAID MONEY TO SEE YOU MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF. I HOPE YOU DON’T TRY TO WRESTLE TO MAKE MONEY BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO BE POOR FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,” said Salvatore.
The referee began to count: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. “THE WINNER IS SALVATORE THE SLAYER!”
The crowd cheered and the stadium vibrated with cheer and intense laughter. One could her comments that people were making. “Richard
is a fool, a weak specimen, and puny little roach, an unworthy opponent, etc.”
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Richard heard these comments echo throughout the galaxy. He put his hands on his face and he cried. He realized that he was the blame for all
of this madness.
“LORD TEMPLETON… I AM WEAK AND I JOKE AROUND TOO MUCH. I AM NOT PERFECT. I AM A MERE BUSINESSMAN AND I JUST WANT TO
HAVE FUN. I THOUGHT I WAS A GREAT WRESTLER, BUT I AM NOT.
I FEEL HUMILIATED, “said Richard.
“Excuse me, Mister. Who are you talking to?” asked a little boy with blue eyes and golden blonde hair.
“How long have you been standing here?” asked Richard.
“I’ve been watching you and listening to you and watching you cry,” said the mysterious boy.
As Richard looked at the boy, he noticed a familiar looking face.
“Do I know you?” asked Richard.
“I am not sure, mister. But you seem really sad,” said the mysterious boy.
“I feel humiliated. People think I am a joke, and nothing more. Why am I telling this to you? You are just a child,” said Richard angrily.
The boy reached into his pocket and pulled out a package of guitar strings. Then, he gave them to Richard.
“Why are you giving this to me?” asked Richard.
“These strings are broken, Mister, and so are you,” said the boy.
Richard opened up the package of broken guitar strings. All of a sudden, he started spinning around like a top. He began to twirl at a ridiculously fast speed and then just vanished into thin air. A few microseconds later, Richard was on the floor at Joe’s.
“RICHARD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I GOTTA GET HOME. ARE YOU GOING TO BUY A COMIC BOOK OR JUST SIT THERE?” asked Joe.
“What?” replied Richard.
“I don’t feel so well. I think I am going home. In fact, I am going to cancel my trip to Rio,” said Richard.
Richard left the shoppe and went home. Richard went straight up to
his room as if he was punished and his parents sent him up there for bad behavior. He turned out the lights and got into bed with all of his work clothes still on. He was still wearing his shoes. Richard just sat there in a daze until the sun came up the next morning…
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*** *** ***
Richard went to work and still thinking about what happened the night before, or the day before. He still wasn’t sure where he was or what dimension he landed in. All he remembered was the embarrassment, and the loud cheering crowds, and the awkwardness in the Pub where he couldn’t even climb a barstool without feeling like a fool. Customers
came into the store and business began, as usual…
*** *** ***
“The total price for your supplies are 37 Gold Rubicles.”
SKay8 revved up his Air glider and swept the merchandise off
the counter in 2 microseconds. The customer reached for his
wand and prepared to blast SKay8.
“I’m in no mood for your foolishness anymore,” said the angry
customer.
“That won’t be necessary. Put your wand away, Sir,” said Richard.
Richard took out his wand and blasted SKay8. He fell abruptly to
the ground while the merchandise was wrapped in midair. Then,
a huge golden Christmas ribbon grew on the box like a plant. The
paper was as shiny as a fresh piece of gold.
“SKay8–shut off your Air glider, go the the back, and finish stocking
the shelves–NOW!” demanded Richard.
“Yes, Sir.”
“Listen, Mister. I’m very sorry for messing with you and the lot of customers that support my business. All of us need to get along and
not play jokes on each other in Wishing Well, or anywhere else. I really
hope that you’ll forgive me,” pleaded Richard.
“I’ll be honest with you as well. I was looking to shop elsewhere and convince people of Wishing Well that your business should be boycotted. However, it does take a BIG man to admit that he is small potatoes. If your apology is serious and sincere, then I do forgive you. If not, then I’ll bring the lot of people to the town council meetings and close you down for good,” said the customer.
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“Don’t worry. I mean every word of it. In fact, I’ll give you an extra pack of
guitar strings for your son. Normally, they cost 14 Gold Rubicles, but they are free today because your business means everything to me,” said Richard, humbly.
“You’re a fine businessman, and I have a little something for you as well,” said the customer.
He points his wand at his Autopod, and a gift-wrapped box comes out of the trunk, which lands smoothly on Richard’s counter.
“Don’t open up this box until I leave–it’s a surprise…And thank you, again, for turning over a new leaf,” said the customer.
After the customer left, Richard was really curious about the contents of
the mystery box. Normally, he never received gifts from customers. He opened it up and noticed a stack of brand new comic books stamped “courtesy of Joe’s Sweets & Books.” The comic book on the top was
the latest wrestling issue with Salvatore the Slayer on the cover…